It’s been entirely too long since I vented via a Things That Suck List. And today has been such a spectacular fail of a day that it’s left me feeling very Grinchy. The timing seems perfect to resurrect the list.
Let’s get this bitch fest party started!
1. Hangovers, particularly with kids. I may have enjoyed my husband’s office holiday party a bit too much last night. Don’t worry, I didn’t embarrass myself there (well, other than spilling an entire gin and tonic all over the pool deck. The good news is that that was only my second drink of the night, so my natural born clumsiness was to blame for that one). But I just don’t know that many people that my husband works with, and the ones that I have met are all very nice — I just don’t see us hanging out on a regular basis. We just don’t have a ton in common. Since I didn’t have too many people to talk to, I drank to pass the time. Those Tanqueray and tonics tasted great going down but left me feeling awful this morning. Which brings me to my next item …
2. Urinary wake-up calls. I brought this one on myself. Just last night I was bragging to another parent that we’ve reached a pretty easy stage with E. lately. She hasn’t had an accident in ages, and 9 times out of 10, she just goes into the bathroom herself and takes care of business. Thanks for reminding me to tone down my cockiness, Universe. Bitch. The first thing I heard this morning was E. telling me, “Mommy, I need help. There’s pee pee EVERYWHERE in my bathroom.” When 3-year-old tells you it’s everywhere, she’s not exaggerating. The bathroom was like a lake of piss. Apparently she made it to the bathroom in time — just not the toilet. And her timing is awesome. The cleaning lady (who comes twice a month) just came on Thursday. So much for the house staying clean.
3. Sick husbands. Sometime during the night, DadJovi caught a flu. Well, at least that’s what he’s claiming. Whoever thought to put the “in sickness and health” vow into wedding vows knew what they were doing. Otherwise, coping with a cranky, whining spouse would be instant grounds for divorce. He has slept pretty much all day. There went all my big plans for finishing up Christmas shopping for E. and wrapping her gifts today. She and I leave a week from today for Pennsylvania and get back on the 23rd. Doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for shopping and wrapping, does it? Remember when I was sick last week? Somehow I managed to get up, make lunches, get E. ready for school, do several hours of work during the day, pick her up from school, then figure out dinner. Just sayin.
4. $26 breakfasts. The only thing I know for sure that makes me feel better when I’m hungover is a bacon, egg and cheese bagel with a large fountain soda. During college, that combo made it possible for me to still write 30-page papers after binges (and may explain that weight gain). Since DadJovi was sick and I was just this side of feeling human, too, I decided to go to Einstein Brothers to get us breakfast. He wanted a turkey sandwich (weird), I wanted the bagel and we both wanted sodas. Somehow, though, E. kept adding things to my order — a chocolate chip bagel, a milk, a bag of chips and orange juice (OK, that one was for me). By the way, she had already had breakfast at home. But I was too sick to argue so I kept adding the items to the counter. When the cashier told me my total was $26 I actually almost threw up on the counter. What the hell, Einstein?
5. Being mind effed by big box stores and Christmas lights. Last year, on almost this exact day, about a quarter of our outside Christmas lights went out. They kept going on and off throughout the final couple weeks before Christmas, so we left them up but threw them away at the end of the season. This year, we put up a new string of lights (but the same kind that we had leftover from when we bought them both the year before) and they’ve been great. Until last night. Almost the same exact section of lights went out. On DadJovi’s agenda today was heading to Target to get new lights because he said when he was there on Thursday they had a great selection. So, we got him vertical for about an hour today and headed to Target. And wouldn’t you know it? The shelves are suddenly empty. What, was this National Christmas Lights Purchase weekend and I just didn’t know it? So we came home without new lights. And just to further eff with me, when I plugged them in tonight, that section was back on. Well played, lights. Well played.
6. Hangover brain. That’s the only explanation I have for leaving the sunroof open after our trip to Target. Well, guess what it did here for the first time in weeks? Rained. Actually, poured, to be more specific. At least I found the puddle of water on my front seat tonight rather than tomorrow morning, so I’ve got that going for me.
7. This caricature.
Wow, I had no idea I looked so, um, ethnic. Here’s what we really looked like last night.
Katy is the world’s best babysitter. Not only did she graciously offer to watch E. for the evening, she even came early to do my hair and makeup!
Somehow out of that cute braided updo the artist saw a weave (and yes, there was a caricature artist and a temporary tattoo artist at my husband’s holiday party. Random, I know). I know caricatures are supposed to be exaggerated but did she have to give me SUCH thick eyebrows? Dang. At least the hooker boots look hot.
8. Christmas shopping for my stepmom. I’ve been to at least 10 stores, looked online and I am 100 percent out of ideas. She’s the hardest person in the world to shop for. She’s very particular about the jewelry and clothes she wears and she hates candles and anything remotely resembling a tsotchke. Plus, she’s not afraid to tell you when she doesn’t like a gift. Good times all around. I already got her a book (“The Paris Wife”) and I wanted to pick up one more small item to go with it. I’ve got nothing and no ideas. I’m screwed.
9. Christmas crafts that take all day. I decided that E. should make crafts for all her grandparents and great-grandparents this year. I want her to know that you just don’t get presents on Christmas but you also give. Since I’m trying to be better about buying people unnecessary crap, I thought we’d go the homemade route. I’ll put up a full post on these crafts tomorrow but let’s just say I was not counting on it taking HOURS. Maybe the hangover had something to do with it, but like a ferocious predator, E. sensed my weakness today and pounced on me relentlessly. She was WILD during the entire project and kept purposely ignoring my suggestions (related note: see item 4 above)
Phew, I feel better getting all that off my chest. You’ve got to have some holiday stress building up inside of you right about now, too. Let it all out here. It’s a safe place to bitch about your loved ones too! ‘Tis the season!
Jocelyn @ ScooterMarie says
Dude, hangovers with kids are the WORST!! I hope you’re feeling better today. And your party updo was very pretty!
I honestly don’t know how people with young kids drink a lot. It takes what would be an average mild hangover and turns it into the WORST HANGOVER EVER. So brutal.
I wish I could do anything remotely resembling that updo on my own. My skills hand at not-so-great ponytails. When I win the lottery, I will have an in-house hair and makeup person.
Emily Johnston says
We upgraded systems at work the week of Thanksgiving, and everything is still royally effed up. And as the only person in the company who does any database reporting from the financial end (there is one guy who can do some reports on the manufacturing side), EVERYTHING is mine to troubleshoot, fix, etc. I still have a crapload of stuff to do to get ready for the holidays, I know I’m going to be working every waking hour this week, and we leave on Saturday. AGHHHH!! I’m starting to freak out.
Stepmom: one word – consumables. Does she drink wine? Coffee? Like chocolate? I give my stepmom champagne for mothers day every single year (and my mom, too). It’s the best type of gift for people who are picky or have lots of stuff, because they just use it up, enjoy it, and it’s done!
That sounds awful. My job is semi-technical at times, and it always seems that development pushes/major disasters always fall when I’m the least available (weekends, holidays, flu outbreaks, etc).
As for the consumables, I love the idea and have tried it before but there are some technical challenges — flying. She loves wine but I hate packing a bottle in my checked luggage and she and my dad pick me up at the airport in Pa. So there’s no time to slip out and get something. So I have to travel with it. I hadn’t thought of coffee before and they have a fancy coffee grinder/machine, so maybe I could do that! And no, she doesn’t like chocolate or most sweets, for that matter. I may just start slipping her cash. 🙂
And to be honest, I certainly would have killed someone by now. Pulling single parent duty while you’re stressed to the max anyway is a bad combo. But I promise you, you will sleep again someday soon. That’s the only thing I have going for me — E. sleeps for 9-11 hour stretches every night. Hang in there.
Emily Johnston says
Oh! And my husband has been at his field site for two weekdays last week and again today (he’s a wildlife biologist working on his PhD and was supposed to be DONE in the field at the end of summer, so I’m already displeased that he’s still having to go down there). He normally just goes on the weekends. He’s gone allllllll day. And our sitter is only available in the mornings, so I’ve been stuck with insane work and a baby on top of that! And that baby has major separation anxiety/9-month-old sleep crap, and I haven’t gotten longer than 2 hours of sequential sleep in a loooooooong time.
Now that I type this all out, how have I not killed someone yet?
Can we really bitch about ANYTHING?? You said so, so here it goes. . . . I recently moved to VA after graduating from U of Ark. When I was there, it was understood that we were all broke college kids, but up here because everyone is a lot older then me, they buy gifts that I cannot afford to reciprocate to the same amount. I also cannot go out and afford the meals like they can without feeling guilty about spending money like that. Um, hello, I have student loans to pay. . . I have already done the homemade canvas paintings and I feel like for these individuals, even though they are heartfelt, it is not enough. What is a girl today?? I feel embarrassed that I cannot afford everything right now, but know that one day I will financially be okay. I, too, find giving crap to people just to give them something is dumb!
P.S. I am LOVING reading your blog! It is one of my favorites to keep up with and E. is one of the cutest kids I have ever seen. Hopefully, she is really as sweet as she is in pictures. 😉
Yes, you can and should bitch about anything! That is a tough situation. Those first few years after college were brutal and it’s as if everyone else suddenly forgets just how lean those years can be. I wish I had some great advice, but I’m not that creative. I’m not a great baker but could you make some beautiful trays of baked goods or something? Have you checked out Pinterest? You can find some really gorgeous DIY crafts that don’t look homemade and are done for a fraction of the cost. My friend just told me that she learned on Pinterest how to make a beautiful cake stand using an inexpensive glass cakestand from Hobby Lobby and glass markers. It looks like something you’d buy in a boutique for at least $40 and she probably made it for $6 to $7.
And never be embarrassed. You are working hard, you are doing the right thing by paying for your education and in time, all of that will pay off. Just hang in there!
And thanks for the compliment. Yes, E. is as sweet as she seems … well, most of the time. You’re very kind!