Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. It’s not old; it’s not young. It’s just a number. So why am I so damn depressed?
OK, maybe not that sad. (That’s E. on her 1st birthday. How cute is she, even through the cake and tears?)
My age has never defined me — ask my mother, I think I was born a middle-aged woman. Growing up, I took care of my brother a lot, and in college, I took care of my friends a lot.
So being a “grown-up” isn’t my problem. Getting another year older in and of itself doesn’t really bother me either. And I’m sure on January 28, I’ll go on with my life, no happier or less happy now that I’ve graduated from 33 to 34.
But until then, I’m miserable. It happens every year. I can’t remember how long back this annual mini-depression goes, but at least since I turned 21 (because, let’s be honest, who didn’t count down the years, months, days and hours until they turned 21??), every year, I’ve gotten down on my birthday.
This year is no different. I snapped at DadJovi and E. all night. My head is pounding, my stomach hurts and I’m pretty sure I’m either having a heart attack or a partial anxiety attack. My chest feels like a small midget is permanently perched on top it. DadJovi even tried to cheer me up with an ice cream run after dinner, but that just put me in a worse mood because I knew it’d be that much longer until we got E. to bed.
I really don’t know what my problem is. I wish I didn’t get this bummed about my birthday. I’m certainly not looking for a pity party. I mean, for reals, 34 is nothing in the grand scheme of things. So I know it’s not an age thing.
Maybe it’s a timing thing. E.’s birthday is exactly two weeks after mine and DadJovi’s is exactly two weeks after hers. Three years ago, I was 94 months pregnant and in no mood to move, much less celebrate. The next year, I was in overdrive planning the perfect 1st birthday party. Last year, I knew we were taking it easy for E.’s but I still felt anxious. This year, I’ve somehow invited 19 2- and 3-year-olds to our house in two weeks for a pirate party (send help now!).
But I think four, five, six, etc years ago I was feeling this way, too, so I can’t even blame the birthday bonanza.
So, I’m just going to embrace the blues, allow myself to mope, wallow and whine, and on January 28, I’ll get back on with life.
Tell me: am I crazy? Am I the only one who feels this way? What are your tactics for turning your birthday frown (lines) upside down?
J's Everyday Fashion says
1. How friggin cute is E?! OMG. 2. I thought you were a lot younger! (score!) 3. My hubby’s b-day is Jan 27th. 4. I treat my b-day like a national holiday and celebrate for at least 3 days, sometimes a week. I’m so sorry you don’t like your b-day! This is the one day of the year you get to celebrate YOU. Have fun with it! 🙂
Caroline Calcote says
Happy Birthday tomorrow! When I was a kid, I always got in trouble right before my birthday. Like, I was always grounded on and around my birthday. When I was 16 I had to wait like an extra month to get my license because I was in trouble for something. I don’t know what it was, but obviously I always sabotaged myself. Now I definitely don’t think my birthday is any big deal, but I am already past the dreaded 4-0. Maybe I’ll feel differently when I’m on the brink of the big 5-0. But 40 didn’t hit me that hard. For some reason 30 really did (that’s when I had to get on the baby bandwagon). Anyways, cheer up! It’ll be March and all the madness will be behind you soon. I see you caved to the “invite the whole class” thing. Can’t wait to see how it goes! 🙂
Gini Martinez says
I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don’t. Birthdays are different for everyone. I’m 37 and still feel (& sometimes act) like I’m 16. For the record, that’s changed. Just a couple years ago, I still felt like I was 12, so I guess I *am* getting older.
My question is: How would you *like* to feel today? Is there a particular activity, place or person who helps induce that feeling? If yes, do it, go there, see them. You have the power to create whatever kind of birthday you like, even one that’s sad and blue with blue balloons floating about, Blue’s Clues on the television, and the blues playing on your iPod. Celebrate another blue birthday!
Hi momjovi. Normally I hate reality shows, but there is something about the “Bethenny ever after show”, that I just have to watch. I identify myself with her. she had an episode where she had a birthday and she had the worse birthday blues. I saw that and I was so surprised! I never thought someone else felt like that, I thought I was the only one. I was shock by that, (sounds stupid, I know) I even cried in that episode, because I felt identified, and I knew EXACTLY how she felt, even when no one else seemed to understand why she was acting that way. After watching that episode, I decided to look into the internet to see if there was any other people feeling the same way, I typed Birthday Blues, and up came your blog. I’m just reading this now.
I get unbearable. Totally sad, I cry, I get too moody, I can’t even stand myself. And to all this I have NO explanation. It is not the age, I have had birthday blues since I can remember, and even though I wish it could be a wonderful party and I promise myself every year “this time I won’t feel this way”, the day comes and I get the blues and I want everyone to leave me alone. It is simply an inexplicable oxymoron. So, even though I am not really saying anything that can comfort you don your birthday blues, know that you are not the only one who feels like that. I totally understand and I get it. In my case I have thought it through over and over, I’m not sure if it has to do with my birthday as a child and the fact that it was never celebrated. Not that my parents were bad ones, but my mom was a divorced single mother in the 70’s and she could not afford to throw a party. Anyways, whatever the reason is for me to get that way, or yours to get like that, the fact is we are not the only ones. ANd that is comforting in a way.
I saw that same episode and I feel the exact same way! That’s so nice to have someone else agree because the people that I’m around don’t seem to understand, which kind of makes sense because my reasons for having the birthday blues are a bit irrational.