Since moving to Florida nearly eight years ago, there are a lot of things I’ve had to get used to — obnoxiously long and humid summers, mosquitoes the size of small birds and living with the results of an electorate’s painfully bad decisions for state leaders (I’m looking at you Rick Scott supporters).
No matter how long I live here, these fun fringe benefits keep finding new ways to torture me.
Surprisingly, there’s one aspect of Florida life that not only doesn’t bother me, I’m downright comfortable with it — living in close quarters with these guys.
I believe they’re called anoles (that’s actually a hilarious name — kind of a cross between an asshole and a ‘Nole. Wait, isn’t that the same thing? I kid, Michelle, I kid!).
I’ve gotten so used to these little guys that I barely even notice them anymore. I take that back. There’s one time when I not only notice them, but I love them — when I’m running. As I lumber down the sidewalk, they scatter everywhere in front of me. I sometimes imagine that this must be what T. Rexes felt like — they approach and everything smaller gets the hell out of the way. But wait, does that make me the giant, murderous, meat-crazy T. Rex? I digress.
I’ve also noticed that out-of-state visitors are equal parts fascinated by and freaked out by our little lizards.
However, there is one time when I’m firmly anti-lizard — when they end up in the house, which, given our two broken windows and the tendency of E. to leave the door wide open every time she goes out into the back yard, is more often than I’d like.
Look at him on my deck, just poised to jump into the house.
When E. and I were home on Friday, I found a lizard in my closet. After my initial yelp, I called for my lizard wrangling partner to come help me. It should come as no surprise, but E. adores the lizards and loves trying to catch them.
I was finally able to grab the lizard but then my insane fear of reptiles overtook me and as soon as I felt him squirming in my hands I dropped him … right down E’s back. Thankfully, she found it hysterical. And our poor traumatized lizard used it as his chance to escape.
We spent the rest of Friday trying to find and catch him. I saw him one more time. Strike that. I felt him one more time. The little bastard had the teeny tiny balls to run over my foot when I was sitting at the dining room table. By then, I knew we were dealing with a sick, twisted lizard.
For the rest of the day, he went into hiding. He was just biding his time for the perfect time to strike again.
And he found it.
On Saturday morning, I had the crappiest run in a really long time. My legs felt like lead and I pretty much hated the world. Still pouting, I got into the shower. A few minutes later, I reached for the shampoo bottle and realized I had company — the lizard was perched on my bottle of conditioner. Apparently he’s a metrosexual, too.
Sadly, I was home alone so my screams went unanswered. But the lizard wasn’t spooked. That tiny bastard sat there and watched me take my entire shower. Pervert.
By the time I got out of the shower, toweled off, threw a robe on and returned to capture him once and for all, he was gone.
After that, I didn’t see him for a couple days. I figured I’d eventually find him where I usually find the other stowaways — dead by the front door (sad but true). That’s why I was trying really hard to capture and release him.
Finally, this morning, he reappeared. I was still in bed when I suddenly heard a strange noise in my bathroom. My first thought was that it was another Florida invader … a frog. Yes, not once but TWICE we’ve had frogs wind up in our bathroom, presumably by coming up through the toilet. Ah, Florida. You never cease to disgust amaze.
I sprang out of bed and ran into the bathroom but couldn’t find him anywhere. I searched the shower, the sink, the floors and gave a quick glance into the toilet. But he was nowhere to be found. Since I was up anyway, I figured I’d start getting ready. Then, just as I was about to sit on the toilet, I caught a flash of brownish-green out of the corner of my eye. I stopped mid-squat and jumped back. I knew all those squats and lunges at the gym lately would pay off!
There he was. Finally, he was trapped. In my toilet bowl. I quickly tried to snatch him and caught him. Well, a piece of him. His tail came right off in my hand. So gross.
Undeterred, I pressed on. This time, I grabbed a wad of toilet paper and grabbed for him again. FINALLY!
I ran to the back door and set him down on the deck. He looked up at me for a second, then wagged his stump at me and scurried away. I might be imagining it, but I think he even gave me a head nod in thanks.
As happy as I was, I knew there was one person who’d be disappointed — my partner-in-crime. Sure enough, when I told her the tale when I woke her up, she had two questions. 1) “Why didn’t you wait for me to catch him?” 2) “Can I have the tail?”
Yes, that’s her dangling the lizard tail. She was obsessed.
By the way, I know you’re jealous of my lush, tropical lawn. Is it rainy season yet?
I finally convinced her that we needed to get rid of the severed tail. She took it somewhere in the yard and had a little good-bye ceremony. I wish I was joking.
Who knows? Maybe my lizard friend will find a way to reunite with it.
What’s the grossest/strangest creature you’ve found in your house? I’m grateful every day that a snake doesn’t show up in ours. I fear it’s only a matter of time. And then I’ll be forced to move. To Ireland.
I love your daughter! She needs to come over and catch nasty grasshoppers with my kiddo or something ;~) What is it with reptiles in Fla toilets? Nasty!. You need a critter net. I keep one on the porch to save all the suicidal lizards who venture into our house before they turn into gory cat toys.
I thought of you yesterday morning as I was fishing the lizard out. Seriously. How stupid are Florida reptiles??
Critter net? Genius! I can’t believe I’ve never thought of that! Getting one this weekend!
And I can’t believe you have grasshoppers! I’ve never seen any at our house. When we were in North Carolina last fall E. was going crazy trying to catch one because she’d never see one before. I just assumed they were like fireflies — non-existent in Florida. Glad to know I was wrong! Now I just need to find a big field!
I have a love-hate relationship with those lizards! Love that my dog likes to chase them and eat them, hate that the little jerks get into my house.
The worst we’ve gotten inside? Baby snakes. Two days in a row, and then again a few days later we found a baby black racer (is that even a real type of snake?) under our dining room table. The first day might have been TWO babies actually. So disgusting. Still not sure how they got there, but luckily they were slow movers and we were able to scoop them up and get them out of the house with no issues. And by “we” I mean “my husband did all the work”.
Nightmare. That story will now be the stuff of my nightmares. Your house is like the pit in Indiana Jones, featuring a never-ending supply of snakes.
Is your husband for hire if I ever encounter the same situation? How fast do you think he could drive to Orlando???
And the word “baby” should never be used with snake. It’s a bad attempt at making them sound cute or not a threat. THEY’RE ALL THREATS! OK, I feel nauseous now.
I’m surprised your dog didn’t scare them away. That’s why I’m convinced that we’d never see snakes in our yard/house — for most the time we’ve lived her, we had the dogs. Now that we don’t anymore, I live in constant fear that the snakes will be emboldened. Can you tell I’ve put a lot of time into imagining the worst?
Oh I love those little lizards!! When I was little we used to clip them on our ears like earrings. I can show E how to do if you want me to 🙂
So I probably SHOULDN’T tell you about the snake that came out of my room the day we brought Livie home from the hospital?? It just slithered out of room like it had been hanging out there the whole time. It was a black garden snake, so I knew it was harmless but it FREAKED Dan out. Braeden wanted to play with it, of course.
Oh my God, E. would LOVE that. I can’t believe they actually would do that. They’re so skittish! It took me forever to get a couple to sit still long enough as I approached for the pictures above.
And why? Why would you tell me that story? What a nightmare. And p.s. there’s no such thing as a harmless snake. They’re all evil. GROSS!
If you lay them on their back they become paralyzed — so you can get them to open their mouths and clip them on your ears. Oh, the things you learn growing up in Florida (with 2 brothers!) 🙂
I think I was on some hormonal thing because the snake didn’t bother me — but the mother-in-law who would not leave did. Hee.
I just got back from spending a week with my daughter in Tampa – the friend I brought with me Freaked.Out at the anoles. Seriously?? I love them!
E. is so cute (and fearless!) in that picture!
We occasionally get bats up in our attic. Not surprising, because we live in a 200 year old house in NY. My husband just goes up and opens a window and they find their way out. I like the bats, they eat the mosquitoes. Want me to send you some? 😀
As much as I know you are going love…err…cringe at the story, I have to tell it….you asked. 😉
A long time ago in a neighborhood not too far away, I was laying on the floor watching TV in my bedroom after a long day and late shift of working at the Mouse. How long ago? Ticket prices were $29 to get in. Anyways, I briefly fell asleep and woke up thirsty. So I got up and went into the kitchen for a drink. I was using the TV as a light, so when I got back to the room, I noticed what looked like a shoe lace on the floor right where I was laying. Well I flicked on the light and BAM! SNAKE!!!!!!!!! It was about 7 inches long. My heart went into overload, I did a 180 and bolted for the garage to get a shovel. As much I am deathly scare of snakes, I am more scared of knowing one is in my room. When I got back…it was gone!! Fortunately, it was hiding under some clothes that were hanging on the handle to my closet and I was able to kill him. This was also before the Internet, so I put him in a bag and brought him to my friend’s dad the next day to tell me what it was. Annnnd it was a coral snake….poisonous coral snake! I never sat on my floor again. 🙂
Worst. Story. EVER. Oh my God. Given the low Disney ticket prices and the fact that you, iJason of all people, didn’t have the Internet, I’m just going to allow myself to believe that this was in another era. An era before the sweet beauties of progress drove all such snakes deep into the Everglades, never to be seen again in civilized society. UGH!!!!