DadJovi and I are in the midst of a heated disagreement. At issue: should we sign E. up for dance lessons? Since we can’t agree, I’m taking it to the jury: you.
For months, I had planned on signing her up this fall for lessons. She’s 3 1/2 now, so I think she’s old enough to follow basic instructions for the lessons. Plus, she LOVES to dance. Remember Key West?
And she prances around our house all the time. Every night, we put music on the record player and she puts on a performance. Mostly it’s inspired by the kids in Sound of Music or Angelina Ballerina.
So I really think she wants to learn how. And I also feel a little bad that I haven’t signed her up for anything yet — no music lessons, no sports, no gymnastics, etc. Is she falling behind already? Friends of mine with older kids all encouraged me to learn from their mistakes and not start sports until at least 5. And my brother, who is a very gifted pianist, thinks 8 or 9 is probably an ideal time to start piano lessons (which DadJovi and I agree she WILL do since we both regret never having learned to play. Nothing like living your dreams through your kids, huh?).
And if I’m honest, that’s probably a big reason I want her to take dance lessons too. Growing up, money was very tight. So I was always very jealous of all the Kellys and Heathers who took dance lessons. Since one of the reasons we decided to stop at one kid was to give E. those opportunities we both missed out on, I just saw this as one of those things she should get to do.
DadJovi is in favor of some sort of lesson — just not yet. He still thinks she’s too young and that it’d be a waste. And worse, it might burn her out prematurely before she’s ready to appreciate some sort of arts or music lessons.
But he’s also been very against dance lessons for one reason — he’s seen too many episodes of Toddlers and Tiaras. To him, that’s what dance lessons are — too much makeup, skimpy outfits and inappropriate dance moves. I argued that ballet is not like that. It’s a beautiful, old form of art that encourages grace, strength and an appreciation for the past.
But then I saw this:
And I found out that some of the girls were 10 and 11. Is ballet just a gateway dance to slutty dancing?
So now I’m temporarily off lessons but I’m still torn. Am I worrying about something that won’t be an issue for years? Is 3 1/2 still too young anyway? Or should we forget about dance and sign her up for something I think she’d like just as much — drum lessons! We’ve already looked into them and found out she can start right away.
How young is too young for lessons? DadJovi says for now, he thinks the most important thing for her is to just play and to keep getting exposed to as many forms of art as possible. Lessons can come later. But I fear she’s falling behind already.
Help!
I don’t have a daughter, but I danced from pre-school through college and, in college, I worked for a large ballet school, so I’d be happy give you my two cents.
At most schools, serious classical ballet technique training doesn’t start until six or seven years old. Before that little ones don’t have the physical or emotional maturity to really practice technique. What they do get out of it is the social experience of learning to go to class, leave mom and dad at the door (this is a biggie!), follow directions from a teacher (this is another biggie!) and do activities with a group of other kids. All of this is good stuff, but these are skills she could pick up in any type of activity and if she doesn’t start ballet training until six or seven, that’s perfectly fine and won’t hold her back from being successful later on.
In terms of values, I think this is one area where choosing your school and your teacher carefully makes a big difference. In the classical ballet-oriented school I was involved in, keeping costumes and choreography age-appropriate was taken very seriously. However, I’ve seen other schools–particularly those that are heavily involved in dance competitions–that will absolutely push the line in terms of what’s appropriate for the sake of getting attention. Getting a feel for the culture of the school should help you feel comfortable.
Since I’ve seen you mention “Cinderella Ate My Daughter” and other things along the same lines, I will mention that dance can send both good messages and bad messages to kids, especially girls. I think the discipline and body awareness you learn from ballet can’t be beat, but some of the messages you get from both the classical ballet storylines (with its usually passive and tragic heroines) as well as the very competitive ballet world (with all the pressure to be thin) are not always so good for women. It’s not so much that I’d say not to enroll your daughter because of it, but it’s something to be aware of and strike a balance with if she gets involved in that world.
Sorry to have written such a long-winded post, but I hope it’s helpful to you and your husband.
P.S. – That photo of her leaping around is adorable!
That picture of E in Key West makes me thing of the stories my Dad used to tell me about – I would dance anywhere and everywhere, whether there was music or not! I *think* I started taking ballet and tap lessons when I was around E’s age and kept dancing until I was in 3rd or 4th grade when I decided it wasn’t for me anymore. It was definitely NOT like what they show on TV & I really had fun doing it!
I think most of the dance studios out there are absolutely nothing like what’s on Toddlers & Tiaras or Dance Moms (which I admittedly can’t tear myself away from) – they’re only on TV because of how ridiculous they are. At least that’s what I think anyway… I think the trick would be finding a studio & a teacher that has the same outlook as you – you want E to learn how to do ballet…not how to shake her groove thang.
I don’t have kids yet, but I know that if they want to dance I’ll sign her up – I’ll just make sure the studio sees eye-to-eye with us on how what “style” of dance we want her to learn! …while keeping in my mind that I want to be NOTHING like the moms on TV.
I started dance lessons when I was 4, and I’m so glad my parents allowed it. I developed so many friendships there, and I gained a lot of self confidence. The only reason I stopped going to dance classes after 13 years was money, so if you can afford to send her to classes, I say go for it 🙂
Go check out http://www.pranacenter.com/…my friend, Roberta, left adult community theater to start her children’s wing…teaches a lot more than dance for the wee ones, but offers lots of improv type dancing. This style of lessons might be good for a start if you are unable to find a dance or movement class you like. I strongly believe in dance and music and other artsy fartsy lessons for kids…both Katy and Andy took (he’d better hope we don’t use at his wedding the photo of 3 year old Andy in his dance costume!). But I also strongly believe you need to find something you are comfortable with.
I say do it! My boss lives in your area and takes her daughter (a year older than E) to dance – I can get some info if you’d like! I think she started around E’s age. It’s totally cute and innocent.
I think the really creepy stuff comes in when kids are involved in competitive dance/cheer groups. I have a friend whose daughter is in a competitive cheer group and while I try not to judge – it is VERY adult (her daughter is 5).
I’m definitely signing L up for dance in the next year – and maybe B too. He LOVES dancing – why not encourage a passion!
I don’t think kids are ever too young to do something that helps improve balance, coordination, confidence and just lets them have fun. My son did gymnastics at 1.5 and daughter now is doing it at the same age. They have a ton of fun trying all the different things and singing the songs that they mixed in to make it more kid-oriented. I think the biggest person to ask would be E… does she want to do it?
A good friend of mine is an instructor and I have been to several of her recitals…the dances are always age appropriate. Cute little tap routines in bee costumes etc. The parents are involved but not crazy like on those shows and for the most part they promote coordination, balance, and teamwork. I think it can be great for her until she doesn’t love it anymore. If you live on the eastside, let me know…I know a great studio.
I did ballet growing up (starting at age 3) and it has helped me in so many ways. Not only do I stand up straighter, but I have discipline and commitment that I can trace back to my ballet instruction. At a dedicated ballet school (not one of the schools that focuses on competitions) there will be no slutty outfits and crazy makeup. There will be buns and pink tights; leotards and tutus. At 3.5 E can certainly follow instructions and she will be able to choose if she likes it at an early age. Ask DadJovi not to think of it as burn out, but rather choices. I only regret not continuing ballet through college and when I first started working. Now at 30+ I have gone back to take classes and always leave a little bit taller in so many senses of the word.
I don’t think kids are ever too young for lessons at that age. As long as you aren’t trying to make her the Tiger Woods (wait…kind of a bad example now, but you know what I mean) of ballet, it will probably be a great experience for her. I would avoid the drum lessons only because would you rather have a loud constant banging sound around the house or whatever the soft music is they play to dance to? 🙂
The wifey got me into SYTYCD when it first came on. A lot of the contestants started young and turned out ok and didn’t up at Rachel’s. 🙂
I could probably write a novel in response to this.
You sound a lot like my Mom. She started my sister and I at dance lessons when we were both two and we both fought hard against it. She selected a, ahem, heavily religous based dance school that had a recital every other year. I hated wearing leotards, I hated wearing tights, and I hated being told what to do. My Mom fought hard with me on it and MADE me go every week. Even when I had a bad UTI and spent the majority of the class in the bathroom or was throwing up earlier in the day and missed school, she made me go – kicking and screaming. Ask anyone who took dance with me – I was known for my tantrums back in the day. The thing was my Mom would CONSTANTLY tell me how money was tight when she was growing up and how she was jealous of all the other little girls who got to take dance class, so this was her way of giving us what she wanted. Only, I didn’t want it. Eventually my Mom caught on. See, the only time she could actually bribe to go to class was when a recital was coming up – I LOVED to perform, I just hated dance classes. So when I was 12 (and FINALLY old enough to make my own decisions according to my Mom) I got out of ballet (good riddens!) and started doing Rising Stars(drama) and cheerleading instead. Sometimes I wish my mom would have figured out my yearning to perform early on and put me somewhere where I was performing more often instead of just every other year. I think I would have had much more fun sticking with drama instead of ballet as a kid and there probably would have been a lot less tantrums.
Anyways, just my advice: let E guide you to what she wants to do. Pick up her strengths and lean on that. If she’s spending every ballet class for 10 years throwing a fit – then maybe it isn’t her thing. But, if you see she loves it when ever recitals role around then just transition her to something a little more fitting. But who knows she may LOVE it. Oh, also stay aways fromt he religious song only ballet studios – another place my Mom could have gone wrong. From one extreme to another in my opinion…
Tough decision! Why isn’t there a definitive parenting handbook?
Growing up, I played in the backyard climbing trees with my brothers until I was 7 years old, when my parents took me to gymnastics class. By age 11 I was ranked 32nd in the nation and on the fast-track to being an Olympic hopeful. I had practice from 2:30 in the afternoon until 7 pm at night, 5 days a week, plus a Saturday morning workout. But, by age 13, I’d stopped gymnastics altogether and found cheerleading was much, much easier and I actually had a social life in middle school.
The lesson from my experience? Wait! Wait to do anything serious at all with E. You might consider some type of Mommy and Me movement class at the Y, but otherwise, forget it and let her dance around your living room and Key West all she wants! This free, spontaneous dancing (on her schedule, not a dance school’s) develops the pure love of dance, which is what will allow her to fully appreciate her talent later on when she is mature enough to actually benefit from a dance class. Even 6 or 7 may not be right– Joe and I took our son J to a swim team at age 7, where he clinged to lane line crying. We were asked to bring him back the next season, which we did. And now at age 15 he’s still committed to his swimming! So, don’t be in a rush to start formal practices… you dance with her and develop that love even further! Good post and good food for thought!
I know you already decided to do the dance lessons, but I thought I’d weigh in about my sister’s kids: my sister Mary has her older daughter, Gianna in TONS of activities. Soccer, softball, girl scouts, etc. Never at the same time and never at a burnout rate. Just to dip her feet in the water, see what Gia likes, and get her out trying new things and making new friends. She loves it! Gianna loves everything that she does, all the activities. She’s 6 now and has been doing it for a few years. I think they look at it as extracurricular and still put school/their huge family/church as number 1, but it’s just something fun for her to do.
My other sister Vanessa has 3 kids that have been playing softball/baseball since probably the womb. They live, eat, breathe, sleep sports. I’m not sure they’ve tried much else! It works for her and them, but that intimidates me. I’d like to keep things interesting, ****stress free****, and fun!