Before we move on from the Pregnancy Incident once and for all, I have to tell you why it may have bothered me the most.
DadJovi and I have decided that we’re a One and Done family. Most days, I’m 100 percent comfortable with our decision to not have any other children. But there’s a small part of me that’s a little sensitive to the question I get more than any other question — when are you having another kid? Why aren’t you having another one? Don’t you think E. needs a brother or sister? Do you hate your child or something (OK, maybe I don’t exactly get that last question but that’s always my interpretation of the constant questions/nagging around the issue).
And apparently I’m not alone. What I posted the following question on Twitter, I opened the floodgates:
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/momjoviblog/status/99181847887618050″]
A lot of you are in the same boat as me:
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/JadoreTutus/status/99186367229206528″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/Unemployed_Mom/status/99242260327182336″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/MarriedWChild/status/99194054423752704″]
And of course, if you haven’t made the most personal of all choices — whether or not to have kids and when it’s the right time for YOUR family — the questions keep coming in.
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/Kiran_/status/99162842531495936″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/poiseinparma/status/99188423520292864″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/iJason_/status/99197214009720832″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/JasonGBCam/status/99191865923997696″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/Corie237/status/99191582858817536″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/RunningPeanut/status/99191211239292929″]
And clearly if you’re not married, you must be a freak right? Because why else would anyone want to know every single detail about the up and down world of dating?
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/simplykellyblog/status/99190119352905728″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/SingleMomBoston/status/99188897053028352″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/runeatdatesleep/status/99188743419871232″]
And yes, let us not forget about our eating and exercise habits. These two stunned me:
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/Kara975/status/99181977772634113″]
[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/#!/Ashleysh22/status/99191377690247168″]
Sex life questions? Really people? Really??
I honestly think people aren’t trying to be nosy or unkind. They just may generally be curious and trying to get to know you better. And there’s a HUGE difference between having a conversation with your besties about dating, kids and marriage compared to Aunt Jane at the family reunion.
Since my early 20s, I feel my life has followed a timeline of personal questions:
- Are you dating anyone? Oh, I really thought so and so was the one for you (true story: my beloved grandmother said that to me when I broke up with my college boyfriend after 5 years. I think she thought I was going to spend my life alone after that. You know, because I was already an “old maid” at 23).
- Is it serious with you and so and so? Are you thinking marriage?
- After dating for longer than 6 months, it became a constant stream of “when are you getting engaged?”
- The engagement ring was barely on my finger: “when are you getting married?”
- AT MY WEDDING — “So, when are you going to start having kids?”
- At our one-year anniversary — “No kids yet? What are you waiting for?”
- The day I delivered our healthy, beautiful baby daughter — “You’re having another one right?”
- And every single week of her 3 1/2 year life — “When are you having another? You don’t want her to be alone her whole life. You don’t want the age gap to be too long. Just one? That’s unusual.” Um, actually, no it’s not.
So far people haven’t started asking when we’re getting divorced since clearly we must have marital issues if we’re not having another one. What will people ask us when they know we’re serious about stopping at one? When I plan on dying?
So, I’m stealing a page from Bill Maher, and I’m presenting the New Rules for Getting to Know People.
1. Know a single person? Congratulate them. Don’t ask them if they’re “dating anyone special.” Chances are, they’re not. But when they are, you’ll be the first to hear about it.
2. Lay off the engagement pressure. Newsflash: this isn’t the 1960s. If someone wants to date forever, then can and should. You pestering them to get engaged doesn’t help anyone except for the plundering, gouging wedding industry.
3. Never, ever, ever, ever ask them when they’re having kids. With all we know about fertility issues and with the state of economy, I can’t believe people would still ask this question. How do you know the person hasn’t had multiple miscarriages or can’t get pregnant? How do you know that they desperately want children but know that now is not the right time for them? And why must everyone procreate? Are YOU going to carry their babies, raise their children and pay for their college eduction? Back the eff off.
4. And, speaking from personal experience, unless you see the head coming out of the birth canal, don’t even THINK about asking a woman if she’s pregnant. Believe me, she’ll tell you if she is. She’s probably excited to share the news. But if she’s just bloated, 7 weeks postpartum or struggling to lose her post-baby pooch, you’re going to make her feel AWESOME by asking that question. So thanks.
5. And finally, you pointing out to me and my daughter that she’s destined to a life of freakdom by being an only child helps no one. But thanks again for putting that idea into her head.
Want to get to know someone? Talk to them! Start a conversation without peppering them with these questions. Chances are, many of these issues are going to come up organically without you adding your two cents. Here’s a great conversation starters: “So what’s new with you?”
What did I miss? What questions drive you insane? And how do you deflect personal questions?
I really like this post. The first year of my marriage was “how’s married life going?” from EVERY SINGLE PERSON I saw. Now that we’re past the first year of course it’s on to the kids question. I totally agree with your point of “what if I’m trying for a baby and can’t have one?” I am not trying for children yet but I could see how that would be devestating if I was.
{Trying this again – WP keeps eating my posts and giving me an error}
<3 you and this post!!
The question I hear most is, "You're done, right?" When I hear that, I hear, "My God, you suck as a parent, please don't have anymore." even though I know it is socially acceptable to have 2 and be done. If I had more balls I would say something like — oh, we want 8 kids or something ridiculous. Hmmm. Maybe I should start doing that.
I try really hard to stay away from asking about dating/marriage/families. Thinks can just get awkward fast!!
Ok, so then when I say to you, “You want another one?” with a look of awe and amazement…that is ok? Hee! Awe and amazement because you can only be some sort of superhero to raise three kids or more. Ok, two kids. No, one is still impressive. 🙂 I’m going to go back to petting my bunny now.
Haha, I should have added context to my most hated question. That question always comes up when people find out I run ultramarathons. It’s like they want me to give them some Michael Phelp’s style run down of my daily 5,000 calories, lol.
That question would get old fast. Everyone’s entitled to run their family how they want it, and if you want to have another kid, the people who you want to know will. End of story.
I don’t have a question that bothers me, as much as a statement. I don’t know how many times I have been told, “You’ll be married by 25.” “You’ll be married in 5 years.” “You’ll be engaged in no time.” A) I am not seeing anyone, B) I have no intention of seeing anyone, C) I am 22 – plenty of time to kill, before I think about starting a family, and D) piss off. It really boils my blood, when I hear that and it happens more often, now that I think about it, than I thought it did.
Carly
Ah, people suck but we are awesome. That’s kind of my motto. And I love any Bill Maher reference. He’s my boyfriend, you know?
Great post! I have four kids, the last two are twins so I get a lot of wow, you must really have your hands full (well duh). When people hear I have four I get your not having anymore, right? Yeah I like playing Twin Russian Roulette, lets see if we can go for three now! Thanks for the laugh.
I got the “when are you having another child?” question enough times that I finally did snap and get nasty. For some reason it is taboo now to have an only child. Granted, we did try unsuccessfully for another for a while, but man, people do NOT need to mess with a hormonal Mama dealing with secondary infertility. I flew into a hormone-induced rage at more than a few nosy nincompoops.
The kids question doesn’t really bother me. I get it a lot since the hubs and I have been together for 9 years. Usually I just leave it at a one word answer. “You planning to have kids?” and a “Nope” pretty much shuts everyone up from asking more questions. I would have been mortified at that guy that asked you though. Especially since you don’t look anything NEAR pregnant.
Hubs and I did talk about the kids thing before and both agreed if we did have one, it would just be one. I read some statistical thing that a lot of families have more than one kid, not because they necessarily want one, but because they want their other kid to have a sibling. And I’m definitely not about that. My lone kid can find a best friend I can send home at dinner time. 🙂
Oh, and it’s not so much a question, but I HATE when heavy people lecture me on what I’m eating. I’ve had 2 people recently who are FAR from thin tell me that I shouldn’t eat so many foods with chemicals. Really? Maybe you should get off the heart attack train before you tell me what I should do.
I think we know “those” kind of people who asks these questions. Bleh 😀